you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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