Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
