Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
