capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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