I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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