No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
