Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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