Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
