I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
