nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
