i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
did i just pee glitter
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
