overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
