I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
