UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Randomize
