Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
please come you make the beer taste better
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
