Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
