My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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