Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
