When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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