maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
