just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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