My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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