I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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