I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
