dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
