Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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