she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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