My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
