I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
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