Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
