I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
