I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
is that a dick in a sweater?
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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