It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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