saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
