She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
