If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
