just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
ugly people sure do ruin things
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
