got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize