my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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