I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
It's no shave November. This is our time.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
