just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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