i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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