Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
