the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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