I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
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