It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
