You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
