Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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