Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
you will always have a special place in my vag
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize