if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
