i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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