3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
