Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize