my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I just had sex on a roof
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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