The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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