she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
