; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
