that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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